I am so sorry this is late, Few But Dear Readers. I know you were all waiting with bated breath to hear our opinions about the ending of I Am Number Four. You probably passed out a couple of days ago while waiting. But at least you've regained consciousness and have been discharged from the hospital by now.
Would you believe that Monica and I just didn't want this literary feast to end?
No, you're clearly too smart of that.
Here are our final thoughts on the book. Be warned, there are spoilers below. And we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.
CHAPTER 29-THE END!
Shel: Okay, I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm totally half-assing it right now and am only skimming this book. But it's the bad kind of skimming. The kind when I'm mostly thinking about what I want to eat, and how I'll make an avocado cheese sandwich with mustard and Miracle Whip and how I hope we have the fancy deli bread because the Wonderbread kind means the sandwich will be too big, but I'll still feel obligated to eat it and maybe I should just eat a handful of baby carrots instead, when SUDDENLY I zoom in on a random sentence from the book to check what has been happening and "...Six seems to know what the rock is for. She takes her shirt off" (p. 361). What the hell?
Turns out Six was not actually getting naked. She was wearing a "rubber suit" underneath her shirt. But still, why do girls always have to take their shirts off during action scenes? It's like some gender...some non-girl gender seems to think we think better without wearing shirts.
Monica: Let's be fair, Captain Kirk always managed to get his shirt ripped off during the dramatic alien fight scenes... Plus, honestly, it's nice that Six is at least kicking some butt. The girls in this book have left something to be desired in terms of Action and Excitement ("Help, I'm trapped in a burning building with dogs!") so at least at the end the womenfolk get to see some fighting.
Shel: This is true. I love it when the girls kick ass...but then, I forgot about my planned avocado cheese sandwich and I had to google images for "rubber suit," to see what popped up on the internets (while secretly hoping their might be a cartoon image of a giant condom so I could complain about how sick the internets is.
Alas, no condoms. Apparently I'm the only sick one. Aside from the images of Batman and Robin that popped up, this rubber suit did amuse me:
Monica: Focus, Shel, focus! I know you hate this book, but we must sort of review it! Our honor demands it! (Plus, I'm freaked out by the picture of our author, Pittacus Lore, doing his shady reflection thing on the back flap. I don't want him to come after us if we don't wrap up the Feast.)
Shel: One more thing! (This photo actually had the subheading "Never ever fart in a rubber suit" on MySpace. Good advice, I suppose. I hope Six knows that).
Shel: Throughout this 79-page action sequence, John has to flash his light hands on and off A LOT! I'm surprised nobody suffered from an epileptic fit with all the flashes. (Notice that WHOLE comment was about the book! I am a focus machine!)
Monica: ::: LAUGHS ::: It's the problem with having limited superhero powers. You have to use what you got, but it's not all that impressive. I imagine in the movie it will be very dramatic, and each flash will perhaps be accompanied by a loud whooshing noise. Children will be able to buy Number Four Flash Gloves at their local Toys R Us....
Shel: I keep zoning back into this book at the worst moments to misinterpret the text: "Something warm collects at the waistband of my pants" (p. 388). Turns out John had been stabbed. But since I'd interpreted the sentence very differently, I couldn't bring myself to care. Is my mind really that sick?
Monica: Yes. On the other hand, I can't blame you for skimming and zoning. Could this book be any longer? I feel like it's sneaking in extra chapters when my back is turned.
Shel: I can't believe it took 405-ish pages for John to figure out what exactly was going on with his badly named, but beloved dog. Dear John, next time just ask the read. We had it figured out over 300 pages ago.
Monica: He was busy, though! Um... learning how to make his hands flash! And making out with strawberry-chapstick girls!
Shel: Ummm, how exactly can Sam go on the adventure into book two with John and Six. Did I skim over some random explanation of what had happened about his mean mom?
Monica: I couldn't find an explanation either, and I actually went back and looked after you mentioned it. I can only assume that his mother snarked something in French out to him (Seriously, a rude French person? This is the best stereotype we could come up with?) and he took that as tacit permission to run off and seek his fortune.
Shel: P.S. I can't believe Henri is gone. He was the one character who amused me, if solely because Timothy Olyphant is playing him in the movie. You guys all saw my pretty interpretation of how wardrobe will be dressing him, right?
Monica: Don't worry, Shel! Maybe he'll come back in the next book! The next book that we're definitely going to read, right? RIGHT!?
Thus endeth this literary feast. It looks like Monica and I found a book that we would both rather spit out than after gnaw on ever again.
But hey, we're just two people. We'd love to hear what you thought of I Am Number Four in the comments.
We'll be back with another literary feast...soon-ish. We might have to wait for the bad taste of this book to leave our mouths first.