For you, Faithful Readers. It's all for you. Shel and I are slogging our way through the endless -- ENDLESS -- pages of I am Number Four so that you at least have a little advanced warning before you open the darn thing yourself.
Don't say we didn't love you... and warn you.
Shel: For some strange reason, I cannot stay away from the IMDb movie page. I think it's a sickness. My current distraction? The fact that Timothy Olyphant is going to play Henri. I love him! At first I thought he was shaming both of us by being a part of this movie. Then I realized, if his time on Deadwood is any indication, he could easily portray Henri's calmness. Here's how I imagine him looking:
He's in disguise, of course, he is on the run, after all. Henri, not Timothy Olyphant. I don't know anything about the actual actor's personal life.
Monica: But how could he keep a straight face (in the movie, not... not as he's wearing that outfit) during what I assume will be cliched and absolutely ridiculously written dialogue!? Stay away, Timothy! Stay awaaaaaaaaaay!!
Shel: But can you imagine him, doing the dialogue with a sexy French accent? Yum. It's clear that I am not a Timothy Olyphant stalker, right? I don't even know when he was born or his middle name.
Monica: Honey... you're a stalker. I love you, but it's true.
Shel: What is Timothy Olyphant's middle name?
Monica: David! His middle name is David! And he was born in Hawaii, and he likes long walks on the beach, and... and... and... Timothy! Call me!
Shel: Hey! Stay away from my stalkeree. Stalkey? Whatever the name is.... Also, IMDb kinda gave away the true identity of our "Pittacus Lore" author. Jobie Hughes (who?) and James Frey (of memoir vs. fiction fame?) are both listed with the novel credits. The book actually plays with this fact, because on page...268, one of John/Four's future alias's could be Jobie Frey.
Monica: Of course it's James Frey's fault! It makes total sense now! (Actually, I'm way happy about this. My Creative Nonfiction prof spent an entire semester bashing poor Frey, so I'm prepared to keep the loathing going if necessary.) However, I'm sort of confused. I guess I have no idea who Jobie Hughes is, but Frey is a decent author -- did they just... lose their way, writing this one?
Shel: They must have. I am so sick of reading the phrase,"kisses her on the cheek." Poor Sarah's cheeks must be dripping alien slobber. I get that they're lovey-dovey. Check. Message received. I also could have done without hearing how Sarah's lips taste like strawberry lip gloss. Lame.
Monica: You really are done with this book, aren't you? Taking your frustrations out on poor Sarah -- she can't help that she has been cast as the ultimate "Help me I'm a useless female" role! She'd probably way rather be getting gauges and dying her hair purple and developing her computer hacker skills, but she's stuck with Lip Smackers and whining.
Shel: But hang on! Speaking of Sarah, what's this? A casual mention that there may be an alien out there for John/Four to drool over? I sense a love triangle for book two!! (Not that I'll be reading book two. As my soul has been sucked enough. And we still haven't finished book one.)
Monica: You're not going to keep reading!? But there are going to be five more books!!! The adventure will not end until, you know, the world is saved!!!!
Seriously, I was done with this book after the first five chapters. I can't imagine if we had to keep reading, through the entire series. Do you think, Shel, that this will legitimately catch on? I know it was ranked high for a week or so on the Bestseller's List, but I can't decide if it was just hype that propelled it upward, rather than kids have a real interest in the book itself.
Shel: I think, whether or not we like it, it's still going to do well. Curse you, movie tie-in! Curse you for legitimizing an otherwise terrible book! Honestly, though, do you know what the growing fascination with the number four is about? Here's another sci-fi book that's due out in 2011:
Monica: Girl... I may need to look more carefully at it before I let you talk me into reading it. Don't want a repeat of this one!
Shel: I'm sorry! I'm so, so sorry! Is the book over yet?
Monica: Um. No. Not quite yet. Stay tuned for the dramatic conclusion.
We're really excited about it, obviously -- join us on Friday for our final thoughts on the book!